Things I Want to Remember Before I Become a Mother

I’m 20 weeks pregnant which means I’m at my halfway point. It also means that in 5 months, I will take on a new role as a mother. I am aware that I still have no clue what my husband and I are truly in for until our baby girl arrives. I’m still processing the fact that I am growing a human being inside of me. It’s the weirdest and coolest thing that I have ever experienced.

#pregnancy

I know that the role of motherhood is one that I have always wanted to take on eventually. I started teaching mommy and me classes when I was nineteen. I witnessed so many special moments between parents and their little ones, singing, laughing, and learning. These were special times and ones that left me with an impression that when the time would come, this would be exactly the kind of relationship I wanted to have one day.

I’m extremely excited to meet this new little person who will become the center of our universe. I’m also aware that with the entrance of this new human in the world, some things will eventually take a backseat, maybe some things will longer become important to me, or even worse, I will forget some of the things that I truly wanted the most. I know that this is natural and normal. Life goes through stages. People come and go, priorities and interests change, and life ebbs and flows. However, there are some things that I hope don’t change about myself, and there are things I don’t want to forget. These are the things that I want to remember about myself before I become a mother.

One, I love to dance.

In my early years in college, I took to ballet very seriously for a hobby. Even though, I was taking at least 19 credits a semester studying music and completing general ed requirements, I was always in at least one ballet class a semester. I loved the way ballet felt. The order and technique of it challenged me and made me feel alive, invigorated. In college, I was the kind of friend that would come to your house and if you had any open space, I would dance. Yes, while your parents watched in confusion, I was twirling and jumping on your floor as if it was my own personal stage. “Oh, nice to meet you! I’m Chelsea and I’m dancing in your living room!” I can still be caught doing this from time to time. An open floor is just too tempting. I don’t think this is something that can just change because I become a mother, but I don’t want to forget how much I love it.

Two, I’m a writer.

I have collections of all my journals starting since second grade. I have always felt the need to write. I love stories, I love movies, I love musicals. I have ideas and dreams and when I finally allow myself the time to unplug and contemplate, I try my best to take that time to write, even though I can go through long stretches without writing. I want to tell the stories like the ones that inspired me as a kid. I want my little one to have stories that make her feel alive and inspired like ones that made me feel this way. I want to create works of art that teach and open minds.

Three, I am playful and love to laugh.

Maybe this is part of the reason I chose teaching as a profession. I am a big kid at heart. I like to have fun and I don’t want to take life too seriously. I like dancing around the floor of karaoke bars singing “Chandelier” at the top of my lungs and I yes, I don’t care if I look like a fool. Life is much better enjoyed through laughter and exploring your inner weirdo. It is especially hard to remember this during the current state of affairs. A global pandemic, a country in divided chaos, and this world ruled by social media, disconnection, and misinformation. Yet, there is always a way to find joy and the people who will laugh right back with you.

Four, I love to write music.

Similar to my long stints of writers’ block, I can go long periods of time without picking up my guitar, playing the piano, or writing lyrics. But I have been writing songs my entire life; instrumentals on piano, songs on the guitar followed by lyrics and melodies. I was composing music on piano since I was a little girl. I wrote my first song on the guitar when I was 17. I was away at a boarding school in St. Louis where I had a lot of time to myself after school and on weekends. I would spend hours alone in my dorm room, or the practice rooms, or the dorm living room, writing and singing. I ended up composing and recording my first album for my senior project. The accomplishment of which made me realize that I wanted to study music in college. I have written songs that have never left me. They are still there in my memory. Some recorded, some not. I met my husband at karaoke and we started off as bandmates, writing and playing together before we eventually started dating. I don’t want to forget that I love the way music makes me feel. I don’t ever want to become too busy to not make music. Life gets busy and I want my little girl to know how important it is to feed that creative soul even when life gets crazy and so many obligations can take precedence.

Five, I can be fearless.

I love a good challenge and I want to master new skills even if people are watching. I have conducted an orchestra. I have performed improv, performed in circus shows, played music for people. I have dropped from a ceiling wrapped in a piece of fabric. I have had to speak publicly to crowds. I have spoken to strangers in hopes of forming friendships. Was I terrified? Yes. I have fallen on stage, I have forgotten my words, I have gotten so nervous that I had chest spasms while publicly speaking making it hard to breath and talk. I have been embarrassed and humiliated. All of these failures and successes have given me a world of knowledge. I don’t want to ever forget to keep challenging myself. What kind of female role model would I be, if I didn’t? I feel like parts of parenthood will be freaking terrifying. I hope I don’t ever lose my courage and fire despite the fact that it could be so easy to become a worry wart.

Parenthood is vastly approaching. So much could change and evolve. I am so excited and confused, and maybe even scared. This is why I decided to write these things down in hopes it inspires others in similar situations to do the same. I mean, will my identity change? It’s impossible to know. But at least I have in writing things that I know to be true about myself before I take on the biggest and most important role of my life. These are the things I hope to remember.

#firsttimemom